Sometimes you have to surrender

[tempestuously]

I won't lie. When I am under extreme stress, I find it very difficult to deal with things that will further stress me out, resulting in my snapping and being useless to everyone. Case in point, work over the past two holidays. Again, holidays are not fun for a person of my profession. They mean more work and less time to do it in. Today, I spent the better part pretending to be the equivalent of a full staff. When I thought I was done and could go home, I got a call and had to cover another assignment. I managed that one. About two hours later, I got another call and this assignment was much more difficult. Calls kept pouring in. I had to clear up my phone for practically the entire night.

I am furious on so many levels lately. Easily angered. Anger is then replaced with forced indifference toward problems. I cannot fix my situation. I can do nothing but watch it worsen. I don't know how in the name of God anyone expects me to be any good to them when it comes to helping them feel better. I am not in a good place myself. The tiniest things set me off. I nearly took off the Geek Squad guy's head when he came into my house this morning. I am noticing little issues in other things much more easily and taking them much harder. I am pissed that I can't just do things the way I want without having to conform to a standard that I honestly DISLIKE. I am a character analyst. I like getting in their heads. I like exploring them. Humor is not, nor has ever been my strong-point. I don't think there's anything bad about this; it just... makes things difficult. And I am worried and jealous and so many other unpleasant things that I would rather do without.

I think I am trying to do too much for too many people. Nayami only has so much to give. Between work, family, RL friends and Net friends, I am exhausted. I run myself ragged, answering phones, filling in for people, breaking up fights and spending hours analyzing over messaging systems. I don't mind. This is not me complaining and I don't ever want anyone to think they can't turn to me for help. I just want people to understand that if you do hit a time/day when I'm NOT able to help you, it does not mean I don't care. It means I'M FUCKING TIRED. And I shouldn't feel bad about that. Because I do try to be open and there for people as much and whenever they need me. But sometimes... I can't answer every call. Sometimes I want to be with my family. Or by myself and just having some me time. Not really doing anything. I am quickly approaching my breaking point.

AND I AM SERIOUSLY PISSED AT WHOEVER IS TO BLAME FOR ONE OF THESE ISSUES. As a reference point, if you read this journal, it's not you. I really want to talk to this person so I can understand what is in their head. Because I dislike being made a fool out of. And worse than that I hate dishonesty. I wish sometimes people would learn the difference between a game and the real world. Because it's so easy to mix up the two when dealing with the Internet. Like my Father says, the Internet makes things easy.

I am going to shut up now because I'm tired and ranty and will probably just keep going. I'll try to post something more worth your time tomorrow.

Comments

[w0rdinista.livejournal.com]

...

*hugs*

I have so, so totally been where you are. If you ever need someone to talk to or rant at or ANYTHING, you know how to find me.

[kadekmoment.livejournal.com]

Do you think an internet hiatus would help any? Taking away the stress from CFUD would be a significant chunk, I know. And re: jealousy, I still say that you don't need to worry. Different characters, just similar circumstances. . . if people don't understand that, then just ignore them.

Also, sorry for taking up any of your energy as well. [hugs] Good luck with everything, dear. And I'm always here.

[nayami.livejournal.com]

Net hiatus wouldn't necessarily help because my largest form of stress (discounting work) right now is something outside of the Net. As you well know. And Net makes me happy and because of the proximity of my friends is often all I have to hide in after work slaughters me. Though Tom did say he might come Friday.

As for the jealousy, it probably is one of those come and go things for me. Like my random fears that my cast hates me. It only flares up when there's more evidence to support it than normal.

And like I said, I enjoy being there for people. This is more to remind people that if I'm not and they overreact, I will possibly jump out the window. Besides, our talks make me happy or can just be therapeutic on many levels. None of this is directed at you, dear. [nuzzles ♥]

[kadekmoment.livejournal.com]

SWEET I finally woke up again. \o/

Mm, yeah, that's why I asked rather than saying "net hiatus would definitely help." Because for some people it takes away a good portion of stress, and for others (I'm part of this group too) it just takes away that one escape from the rest of life. But eeee Tom! This is good.

Can relate there too. God, why is internet such an unreliable medium for conveying stuff like this. . . so much has to be interpreted.

[scritchscritch ♥]

[upper-flowers.livejournal.com]

Your address please. I want to send you things.

everydayocean at gmail.com GIVE IT TO MEEE

[crowphoenix.livejournal.com]

So... Has this subject reared it's head up again? Or is it different this time?

Sorry, you're so stressed out.

[nayami.livejournal.com]

You are possibly very confused, and we need to speak over IM or something to clear things up. XD;;